"What do you mean, you're gay?"
Sam thought about the last time he heard this tone in his mother's voice. It was the day he had informed her that he intended to follow in his father's footsteps . Become a military man, like dad.
"Mom, you know what that means", he said quietly.
"Are you sure? What makes you say that all of a sudden?"
Sam smiled sadly. Unfortunately, his mother could not see him at the other end of the phone line.
"I have known for a long time. I haven't told you before, because I knew you would get upset."
This should make her think. Okay, probably not.
"Why are you telling me this on the phone? Your father would have ..."
"Keep Dad out of it", Sam growled.
The conversation was just as uncomfortable as he had feared. Sam stared at the tempting vodka bottle on the window sill. Maybe he should just hang up.
It took a few seconds for Sam to register that his mother was silent, waiting for him to explain himself.
"I don't want to be trouble. I just wanted to tell you. Bye, Mom."
Sam threw the phone on the unmade bed in the corner of his small apartment. Since his release from military service, his life had gone downhill big time. The vodka burned in his throat and he threw the empty glass bottle with a clank into the sink. For a split second, the world swam before his eyes. Leaning on the tiny dining table, he smelled the sweat that stained his green undershirt and looked down at the rags he was wearing. Probably smelled worse than it looked, but there wasn't much hope in that. He knew he had to leave his place at some point, if only to get groceries. But not right now. Right now, he just wanted to curl up in his bed and cry. Not that there would be tears. There never were. It was all he had left inside himself - a blank void that made him forget why he ended up here, back in Arkadelphia, where his life had begun almost three decades ago. Home Sweet Home.
Sam straightened up. Time to get a grip on his life again. If he allowed himself to be this miserable, he might as well allow himself a little guilty pleasure. He stripped out of his dirty clothes and hit the shower. The water was freezing, big surprise. He needed to move out of this this apartment as quickly as possibly, but right now it was all he had. Unless he wanted to move in with his mother.
Yeah, right.
He briefly glanced at his soaked reflection in the mirror. His military career may have broken him, but it shaped his body for sure. The sudden rush of memories hit him like a truck. Lt. Davis. Sean. On his knees in the pouring rain. Red-rimmed eyes staring at Sam pleadingly. A shot that rang through the night. Sam shook his head to get rid of those haunting images. It was time to let go.
He flashed a smile at himself in the mirror. Big chance to get laid tonight, he thought and pulled on a skin-tight sweatshirt. Adding a Levis and leather jacket, he was good to go.
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